I like so many of you am a sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, friend and possibly the most challenging, a daughter of a daughter and an only daughter to boot. I had 2 brothers and you know the saying...a son is a son till he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life. For years I tried to get my mom's approval to what seemed like to avail. I tried to be a good daughter as a child, then came those turbulent teenage years which certainly didn't help my cause a bit. Then I tried to be a friend as an adult and at least maybe equal woman status later on as none of the other things have succeeded. It seemed that the best I could hope for and came to accept was that once a week obligatory phone call. Then I realized my mother was turning 80 and that I owed her more and actually owed myself more as well.
We lived 2800 miles from each other and I decided that I would to go visit once a year and call her more often. Although her butt crack of dawn early morning calls were still totally unacceptable to me which for some reason she could not understand nor respect. We started to talk much more frequently than just once a week and definitely talked a lot during figure skating season, one of those things for which we shared a passion. What did you think of that Emily? Wasn't Johnny's costume something. I wish Sasha would be more consistent. I'll miss Michelle Kwan won't you? Things improved between us a bit.
Then it happened, the call that would change my life forever! Mom called to tell me she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the age of 83. I called my boss and told her I had to go and didn't know when I would be back and they could hold my job or not, it didn't matter to me I only knew I had to go to my mom. One thing I have learned in this life is that I have to go for IT ... whatever IT is and not have regrets later.
Mom had surgery and came through it like a champ. After 2 weeks of recouping and weighing her options Mom decided to not have any treatment. There is another story here which I will save for the future. She entered the home hospice program and our real journey began.
Mom received the most incredible loving care from a team of nurses, aides, social workers, music therapists, reiki practitioners and other care givers all being managed by me. Yes the very same only daughter that couldn't do anything right for her mom up until this point had become the daughter who would be responsible for her mother’s life.
I sat through sessions with her social worker where she talked about me as though I wasn’t there and that was okay with me because this was her journey, her story and her end of life process. I arranged for music therapy as often as possible because this was her favorite thing. When she needed more pillows to make her more comfortable I ran out and got pillows immediately. When her appetite waned I filled her fridge with just about anything she could possible desire in any giving moment. Her every wish or whim was my pleasure to provide for her.
This journey was filled with just about any emotion you can imagine and mostly it was filled with forgiveness. More than anything this journey provided us the opportunity to see each other, to truly see each other for the very first time without illusions, agendas or pretence. In mom's final week of her life when she became bed ridden and unable to speak, I wiped her brow, held her hand, told her I loved her often and even sang to her in my off key voice while I sat vigil with her.
Mom died 3 months to the day after her surgery. Taking care of her is quite possibly the most gratifying thing I have ever done to date. We received healing and the acceptance of each that neither of us ever thought possible. The lessons have changed my life AND given me a new vocation. I now volunteer for hospice.
Thank you Mom, I love you.
